


Phoenix from the flames

by Eternal_introvert



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Character Death, Depression, F/M, Feelings, Firefighters, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love, Married Couple
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:08:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24959671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eternal_introvert/pseuds/Eternal_introvert
Summary: So this is a Surrera story. Love these 2 as a couple and their relationship is so interesting and can go so many ways. This will be quite dark in places, I just thought Andy has had a really rough time, what if she isn't handling it as well as people think. So this story occurs after s03 e13 (dream a little dream of me.) It is Andy's first day back at work since her fathers death. Nothing mentioned about her mom yet. Mentions in this of suicide and harmful thoughts, so please read carefully.Finally i know about Firefighters in the UK and procedures here, so sorry for any wrong procedures/terminology etc. I have learnt American Firefighting jargon from watching TV; Station 19, Chicago fire etc so shout up if anyone notices i have got anything wrong.Just a little something to pass the time till season 4 arrives. if anyone else wants to write Surrera (pretty please,) i would be very grateful, i need more. Also need more Rosewood stories :))
Relationships: Andy Herrera & Robert Sullivan, Andy Herrera/Robert Sullivan
Comments: 13
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little recap to start with, going over their relationship so far :)

Robert Sullivan sighed as he tilted the blinds to his office to give himself a better view of the station he commanded. He wasn’t checking up on them, in fact he knew they were more than capable of doing what they needed to without him breathing down their necks, so he didn’t. And his aim now wasn’t to catch them out slacking off, all he wanted was to see one person and to see what she was doing and how she was.

Andrea Herrera, the one woman who had single handedly made him believe in love again. Given him a reason to smile and a reason besides work to get out of bed each morning. At one point, being the stubborn man he was he had nearly managed to destroy their newly found friendship and alienate her from his life completely. He had messed up and shut himself off from her when he should have done the exact opposite and she had just thought that he was more interested in his career than he was in her. Then on top of that her best friend Ryan Tanner died in her arms and then her dad had broken the news last that he was dying too. He knew right then that nothing was as important as the woman who had just ran crying in to her bunk and he knew he needed to go and be with her and just hold her. Do anything he could to stop her pain. So he had held her in his arms as she had sobbed like a baby. He had stroked her hair and gently removed the tears from her soft cheeks over and over again. He hated himself for never wanting to let her go, she was suffering and all he could think was that he never wanted another day in his life without this woman in his arms. But it was over all too quick and she had stood abruptly from him, leaving an Andy shaped cold spot on his chest, she had muttered that she had to go and despite his protests that he would accompany her home she had refused and rushed out the door desperate to get away from him.

The next morning in the station, he had tried to make eye contact but she hadn’t even glanced at him. He wasn’t taking it personally, she wasn’t giving anyone the time of day, she had closed herself off and shut down. She was just a shell walking around the station on autopilot, doing what she had to do to get by. He has spoken to Captain Maya Bishop, her best friend. He needed her to watch out for her, check that she wasn’t going to injure herself or worse on a shout. Firefighting was a dangerous game at the best of times, but when your head wasn’t in it, the job was most likely lethal.

Maya had glared at him and muttered that Andy wasn’t paying any attention to her since Maya had been chosen for Captain over her. This had incensed Robert and he had snapped back, telling her that she was Captain and it was her job to look after her crew, whether they wanted it or not and if she couldn’t do it, he would replace her with someone who could. He knew he was being unfair, Maya was new to the role and he was only worried so much because it was Andy and he couldn’t stand the thought of her being injured.

Despite her grief and his own struggles with drugs for his injured leg, they had managed to sort themselves out and begin a relationship. Give and take on both sides, along with a lot of talking, a lot of kissing and a lot of the other. And he had gained a best friend again, and a lover, and sooner than either of them had imagined; a wife. They didn't want to wait, they wanted Andy's dad to walk her down the aisle and it all seemed to make perfect sense. And it was helping, Andy was smiling again and his leg pain seemed less intense now he had Andy helping him through it. They were good for each other. Then came the storage facility fire and everything changed in the blink of an eye.

When he had entered the storage facility, the fire that ultimately took Andy’s fathers life, he wasn’t thinking, he was on autopilot. His wife was trapped with no way out and no air left in her tank to breathe. He would rather die than face the rest of his life without her, so that’s all he could focus on as he stormed in there determined to rescue her or to be with her. After the smoke had cleared and they had found their way out, the realisation of how it had happened became immediately apparent and he had to rush to his wife’s side to catch her as she crumbled to the floor, grief overtaking her, the rest of the crew immediately surrounding them, desperate to help their lieutenant and their friend. Robert removed her tank from her back and then bundled her in to his chest, walking her over to his car and helping her gently inside.

He had taken her to what was his, but now their apartment and gently helped her shower and dry before putting her to bed, where she had stayed for 4 days, not coherent enough to string sentences together at some points and shouting and crying out In her sleep at others.

So today, her first day back at work but just 5 days after her fathers death it was no wonder he was concerned for her.

He had stopped her before leaving the apartment this morning, brushing her hair from her pale face, she didn’t look well. She was up and about and responding to conversation but he could tell she wasn’t there, her heart wasn’t in it. He wanted to refuse her request to go back but he was hoping it would be the distraction she needed.

“Look Andy, why don’t you sit this shift out, no one will think any less of you. Give yourself some more time, you’ve hardly eaten anything.”

“More time for what Robert? Time is not going to change anything. Whether I’m at work or sat at home, time will move on and Ryan will still be dead and so will my Papi. And my mom…”. Her voice broke before she continued, “There are more people I love dead right now than alive, maybe it’s me who is in the wrong place.”

“Andy, don’t, please don’t ever talk like that. You are exactly where you should be. I love you. You’re my wife. And I know it’s hardly been an ideal time since we got married but it will get better, we have each other and that’s more than a lot of people have.”

Andy just stared at him, her eyes seemed empty, she didn't seem to compute what he was saying to her, she brushed past him.

“I’m going to work Robert, with your consent or without it.”

And at that she had left the house and got in her own car to get to work.

And it was so hard, the others at the station didn't know they were together let alone married, so he knew he had 24 hours ahead of him where he would be unable to comfort her as she so desperately needed. It was going to be a long day.


	2. Chapter 2

Thankfully the daylight hours passed fairly uneventfully, a few calls but nothing major, the mood amongst the crew was sombre and it was eerily quiet for a firehouse. Andy had taken herself to her bunk and spent the time between calls lying down staring in to space. Multiple attempts by her crew to get her to join them for food or coffee had failed and eventually they had given up and decided she would join them when she was ready. If Andy was anything she was stubborn and she didn’t give in so they knew they had to let her do things her own way.

Robert had tried unsuccessfully to coax her in to the beanery too, but he had at least managed a quiet half an hour with her after sneaking in to her bunk and being her pillow for a while. He had sat against the headboard and she allowed herself to relax in to his arms. He had gently stroked the side of her head with one arm and rubbed up and down her arm with his other.

“I miss this.”

“We’re doing it now, how can you miss it?” Andy whispered back.

“I miss doing this when you aren't hurting like you are now.” He kisses her head gently. “I want to take your pain away. I hate seeing you like this and I just want to hold you here and never let anyone hurt you ever again.”

Andy turned her head and gave Robert a slow kiss on the lips.

“You know I love you don’t you? More than anything. And I’m sorry I’m being so difficult, it’s just so hard and it just feels like I’ve had the wind knocked out of my sails. I’m trying to be okay, I really am and I do see you and what you do for me and I do appreciate it.”

“Andy, you don’t have to put on an act for me or for anyone for that matter. It’s okay not to be okay. You take as long as you need, there’s no time limit and I’m not going anywhere, I’ll be right here every minute of every day to take care of you. Te amo Andrea.”

Andy wrapped her arms tighter around Robert as he kissed the top of her head. The love she felt for this man surprised her. One minute she had hated him, the next she found herself looking forward to work so she could see him, the gym sessions, the taking him food to eat together in his office, the little chats about all manner of things and then suddenly boom, it hit her, she was in love with him. It had crept up on her but she liked it, she liked the way it made her feel, the way he made her feel. It was new, something she had never experienced before and that’s why when it had all gone wrong it had hurt her so much. She never would have imagined they would get to this stage now. And she was trying so hard to be okay for him, she didn’t want him to keep seeing her like this, grief was so draining and she didn’t want to drag him down with her. Thats why she needed to keep him at arms length, protect him from her sadness. Thats why it was best she was back at work, she could have some distance from him. She could grieve quietly on her own without him worrying for her. There was that nagging feeling In the back of her mind telling her that Robert deserved better than this, that everyone who cared for her ended up dying and leaving her and as much as she loved him, she knew she needed to save Robert from herself. She needed to set him free.

It was 2am when the bells sounded around the station waking everyone but Andy who was already awake, from their slumber. The call was a complex one, a residential apartment with many residents inside still asleep unaware of the drama that was taking place around them. The firefighters worked quickly and efficiently, evacuating people from their apartments and guiding them to safety. This was the only time at the moment that Andy felt alive, felt normal. Doing her job, helping people, there was no time to dwell on her own life. She banged heavily on another door,

“Hello, fire department, is anyone inside, make your way out the building, this is an emergency.” 

She had to shout louder than normal to make herself heard through the confines of her mask and the noise of the commotion around her as the growing fire got ever closer. She watched the people stumble bleary eyed from the property, fear written across their faces as she saw them go before moving on to the next apartment. Thats when she heard her husband in her ear piece;

“Listen up, all units inside are to withdraw from the property now, this is your Chief speaking, we are moving to defensive mode, all personnel to leave the building now and report to outside.”

Andy sighed, she knew the floor was empty, she had done her job, but she still wanted to check further, she didn’t want to go outside and face reality. The fire was unpredictable but at least it was constant, she knew how to handle it. Not like her own life when things kept getting thrown at her and she was unsure of what to do and how to face them. She felt a tear slide down her cheek inside her mask and she allowed herself to wander nearer to the flames that were burning steadily across one side of the corridor. Slowly she sat down against the wall and found herself entranced by the dancing, rhythmic motion of the orange glow. She leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes. She wasn’t sure why but she felt free all of a sudden. There was only her and the fire and suddenly she didn’t want anything else, this was so peaceful and felt so right. Her pass alarm started beeping at the lack of movement but she didn’t register it, nor did she pay attention to the alarm warning her of low air in her tank. She could see her dad and she could see Ryan, and was that her mom, just out of reach, it was, she was sure of it.

“Mami?” She mumbled, “Wait for me, I’m coming with you guys.”

Outside Robert was getting nervous, nearly everyone was out the building now but he still hadn’t seen Andy exit. He was hoping he’d missed her and she’d slipped passed unnoticed but he knew he was kidding himself with that thought. 

“Captain Bishop. Do we have a head count yet for station 19?”

“Yes Chief.” Maya answered immediately, pointing at a piece of paper in front of her, “We are missing 2, everyone else has reported in. Montgomery and Herrera have not come out yet.” 

She looked at Robert and she could see the fear written all over him. 

“Sir, I’m sure it’s okay, it’s a big building, Andy and Travis were on the top floors.” As she spoke she saw movement at the building entrance out the corner of her eye.

“Ah look, here’s Montgomery now, Andy will be behind him.”

She made her way towards him with Chief Sullivan behind her. They waited whilst Travis pulled the mask from his face.

“Andy, where’s Andy? Is she with you?” Sullivan asked.

Travis shook his head looking confused.

“No sir, I haven’t seen her. She took the floor above me, I haven't seen her since we separated on the way in.”

Maya and Robert shared a look and instantly Maya jumped into action. She grabbed her radio,

“Herrera… HERRERA. Do you copy?”

Silence

“Andy. Andy can you hear me, its Maya.”

The rest of station 19 heard the calls on their radios and heard the silence. Gibson and Miller were at the entrance immediately with fresh tanks on their back ready to go.

“Permission to go look for Herrera.” Jack asked looking between Maya and Robert.

“Permission granted,” Robert said, “She was last seen on the top floor.”

Without another word Gibson and Miller were gone. Time seemed to slow down for Robert outside, he wanted nothing more than to go in himself to rescue his wife but he knew he couldn’t keep doing that. He had to follow protocol. He knew Gibson and Miller were more than capable of getting Andy out safely, he just had to have patience. Maya placed her hand on Roberts forearm and gave it a squeeze, she didn’t know he and her best friend were married but she knew they were together. She knew Andy had just spent the last 5 days at Roberts and that they cared an awful lot about each other. He gave her a small smile back in return.

“Station 19 aid car can we have you standing by near the entrance please.”

Robert heard Mayas words over the radio and prayed to God that Andy would not be taking a ride in the aid car.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another warning that this story features depression and suicidal thoughts/feelings etc. Read carefully if you choose to do so.

Inside Gibson and Miller made it to the top floor in record time, this was one of their own, their friend, their good friend. This was the difference between life and death. They slowly opened the door to the corridor and the heat hit them, flames licked the walls further down the corridor and visibility was pretty much zero. They shuffled in slowly, calling out Andy’s name as they went, each of them with their own feelings running round in their heads. These conditions were not survivable, they just had to hope Andy still had air left in her tank.

They came to a bend in the corridor before long and inched their way slowly around and then suddenly Gibson saw something; There was something on the floor further up, it had to be Andy, the reflective kit shimmered in the distance, giving away her location.

“Miller, this way.” Jack shouted, taking off before Miller had a chance to respond and then he was at Andy’s side. He bent down shaking her, but he could just about see her face with his helmet torch and he could see she was out of it. He adjusted her mask on her face right as it was almost off and then he plugged his air into the side of Andy’s tank hoping that it would be the boost of air she needed on the way out as he pulled her limp body into a sitting position before standing himself and hoisting her up over his shoulder.

“Let’s go, she needs help asap.”

Miller nodded and went in front of Jack guiding him back through the smoky corridors, making sure to protect their precious cargo.

“We’ve found her,” Miller shouted in to his radio as they descended. “We’re bringing her out, make sure the aid car is ready.”

Outside as Millers words crackled through their radios, Robert took his helmet off and launched it at the floor walking to stand nearer to the aid car. He leant his hands on to the side of it and dropped his head, taking some deep breaths. He knew this wasn’t good. He couldn’t lose her. How had this happened? It was a standard job, everyone else had come out. Why was it always them that bad things kept happening to? Before he could reflect any more there was a commotion by the entrance, he turned around and stumbled his way towards the doors as they opened abruptly and Dean came charging through them with Jack behind him with his wife. His beautiful wife slumped over Jacks shoulder completely still and completely limp. He hustled around her trying to help and support her body as Jack moved her from his shoulders to the waiting gurney which Hughes was waiting with. Between them they managed to pull the mask from her face and the bottle from her back so that she was able to lie on the gurney. During all this she did not respond.

“Herrera can you hear me? Andy open your eyes.”

Hughes quickly looked at her chief and then to Maya, she had long suspected something between the 2 of them and his behaviour today had confirmed it. She placed an oxygen mask over Andy’s face, using a pen torch to check her eyes.

“Sats are way down, we need to get her to a hospital now. Chief do you want to come with us, give me a hand on the way.”

Robert tore his eyes away from Andy, his two hands remained holding one of hers in his. He nodded slowly, tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

“Bishop… er are you okay here I mean, if you need me to stay?”

“No, go be with Andy, keep us updated, we’ll follow on to the hospital when we’re done here.”

Robert nodded and moved along with Andy as her gurney was loaded in to the back of the aid car.

Robert was unsure of anything that was happening right now, the journey to the hospital seemed to be happening to someone else. Everything seemed to be happening outside of his body and almost in slow motion, his head was in a daze and nothing seemed to make sense. Vic was taking care of Andy; as well as suffering the effects of the smoke and heat, she had burns to her one hand and arm. She hadn’t woken yet and Robert knew that it wasn’t good.

“She’s going to be okay isn’t she Hughes?” He managed to mumble at one point, his eyes never leaving his wife’s face. How he longed to see her dark beautiful eyes looking back at him. Instead they remained closed, her face pale and layered with dirt and sweat.

“We’re doing everything we can Chief. And it’s Andy, you know she can’t stay quiet for too long right, she’ll be awake bossing us about again before long, won’t she.” She gave a small laugh but it sounded wrong, her words sounded hollow and she knew she wasn’t being as reassuring as her Chief needed her to be right now. She had been in his position, scared of losing the one you loved and so she was well aware that you didn’t always get the happy ending you wanted in life.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning - talk of suicide and depression and injury

Waiting in a hospital waiting room was one of the worst feelings in the world and Robert was slowly going insane waiting for any news. The rest of station 19 had joined them at the hospital but there had still been no news as yet. Maya had fetched a hot sugary drink for her Chief and watched as he drank it, she knew he was in shock and needed something to help him through this. She was in shock herself. She didn’t know what had gone wrong. Andy wouldn’t let herself get trapped like that. And why didn’t she call for help? Nothing added up and Maya hated that. She liked to be in control and have the full facts. If, no when, Andy made it through this she would be conducting a full investigation, her best friend didn’t get to end up like this with no answers.

Two hours after arriving at the hospital, Meredith Grey finally made her way to the waiting room to find a room full of dejected, worried firefighters. Before she could say anything, the man she knew to be the Chief appeared in front of her, his face etched with worry and concern.

“Doctor. How’s Andy? Is she okay?”

“Hi guys, sorry for the wait, I wanted to make sure we had a handle on things before coming out to tell you about Andy. Look first and foremost, she is going to be okay.”

There was a collective exhale as the firefighters all released the breath they didn’t realise they had been holding. Maya once again gave Roberts arm a small squeeze.

“Okay, so she was without air for a little while and took in some smoke and took a lot of heat on board, so we have her cooling down and she’s on oxygen, just to give her a boost for a little while. She’ll need that for the next 24 hours or so. On top of that she sustained a pretty nasty burn to her left wrist but we can sort that. She’s stable for now and she’s awake. I think she would appreciate a visit or two, she seems pretty down. So whoever wants to go in first come with me.” 

Everyone remained silent, they all knew who would be going first, they all knew after today something was going on with Andy and their Chief. Bishop broke the silence.

“Well me and Chief Sullivan will go first if that’s okay, get things sorted for the reports that we will have to write when we get back to station.”

There was collective murmurs of yes and sure and good idea as Maya and Robert followed Meredith out the waiting room.

“Thanks for that and for this this Bishop.” Robert said giving her a small smile as they walked.

“Look you know I know about you and Andy, so I know how worried you have got to be about her, she’s your girlfriend after all.”

“Wife. She’s my wife.” Robert answered back leaving Maya no time to respond as he entered Andy’s room.

Andy was upset, hell she was devastated. This wasn’t what she wanted. Why was everything such a mess, she couldn’t even get this right. She was still here and now she was going to have to face everyone and they’d want to know what had happened. She felt a tear slide down her cheek just as Robert and Maya entered the room, Meredith stood in the doorway.

“Andy, sweetheart, I’m going to tape that mask to your face if you don’t leave it on.” Meredith scolded. “You need the oxygen.”

Andy said and did nothing, just lay there staring at the ceiling. Next thing she knew Robert was placing the mask gently over her face, before wiping her eye with his thumb. Without moving his hands from her he sat down next to the bed.

“Andrea, my darling, you scared me so much. Please don’t ever do that to me again.”

Andy felt the tears start streaming down her face and she turned herself towards Robert, throwing herself into his arms, hiding her face in his chest which was difficult to do with a mask on.

“I’ll let you guys talk for a bit.” Meredith uttered, “You have a lot to talk through, make sure the mask stays on though and let Andy rest when she needs to, her body has been through a trauma and she needs time to recover, physically and mentally.”

Robert and Maya looked at each other as Meredith left, closing the door behind her. Robert scooted himself on to the bed so he could hold Andy easier. Both of them at a loss as to what to do next. Robert gently stroked his hand through Andy’s hair as the other arm held her tight against him. As her sobs subsided, Maya was the first to break the silence.

“Andy, listen, I’m sorry, for today. We left you up there on your own for too long, but I had no idea. None of us did. You didn’t tell us you had got into difficulty. What happened?”

“I can’t remember,” she mumbled through her mask. “It’s all a blur.”

“I need to know, I mean we need to know Andy, we have reports to write and you’re my best friend. I need to understand how you get trapped up there on your own. It should never have happened. Hell Andy, this could have been a really bad outcome, you were lucky.”

“Yeah, I’m real lucky,” Andy murmured back. Her words hanging in the air.

“You know what I mean, I mean your injuries could have been a lot worse. If Gibson and Miller hadn’t found you when they did.”

Andy pulled away from Robert slightly, pulling the mask from her face as she did so.

“But they did find me,” She shouted at Maya, causing herself to cough in the process.

Robert tried to get the mask from her hands to put it back on her but she pulled away.

“Go and give them a freaking medal or something for saving my life. I don’t care. I’ve already told you I don’t remember what happened, so just stop going on about it. It’s over.”

She lay back against her pillow, her breathing ragged and didn’t protest this time when Robert once again placed the mask on her face.

“Maya, can you give us a moment please. I need to talk to Andy alone.” Robert never took his eyes from his wife as he spoke. He knew there was something going on and he was so scared to find out the truth but he knew he had to. His wife was in pain and he needed to help her.

When Maya closed the door behind her, Robert let out a sigh.

“Right, it’s just you and me now. What’s going on? I know you’re hurting but you can’t keep shutting us out. Do you know how worried we all were about you today? We’re a team, you and me husband and wife, but also you and the whole of 19. One team. When someone gets hurt, we all hurt. So what happened? I know there’s something you’re not telling me?”

“There's not. I was careless. My mind wasn’t focused. I let myself get trapped. Thats it.”

“Andy, that’s not it. You could have died. You were out of air. I can’t just accept that your mind wasn’t in the game so you nearly died. I’ve lost one wife already and I’m not prepared to lose another one. Why didn’t you radio that you were trapped?”

“I… I didn’t think.”

“Andy!!” Robert shouted her name making her flinch. “You didn’t think. This is bullshit, you aren’t some rookie, you’re an experienced Lieutenant. You don’t forget to radio for help when you’re trapped in a burning building.”

Andy turned her head away from Robert, tears rolling down her cheeks. Her chest hurt, her head hurt, truth be told everything hurt, including lying to Robert, she couldn’t face the look on his face though if she told him what had really happened and how she really felt.

“I need you to go.” Andy managed to choke out through her mask, “I don’t want you in here.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Andy sat up pulling her mask from her face.

“Leave me alone,” she screamed at him, “Go…. Get away from me, I don’t want you. Go.”

She choked out the last few words, coughing, trying desperately to draw in breath. Robert stood there frozen to the spot, he didn’t understand what was happening. 

“Andy…”

“Get away from me please.” She sobbed.

She didn’t have to say anything else, Meredith Grey appeared back at the door with Maya close behind her.

“Okay, okay, we all need to calm down in here, Chief Sullivan I need you to leave please.”

As she spoke Meredith put the mask back on Andy’s face, checking out the machines surrounding her. 

“But she’s my wife… Andy I’m sorry.”

“Andy honey calm down, take some deep breaths, in and out, nice and deep. Chief I know you’re her husband but right now my priority is Andy and her health not whether I offend you or not by kicking you out. So you need to go. Go and get a coffee and calm down while I see to your wife, then maybe you can come back later okay?”

Robert said nothing, knowing he was defeated and knowing it was for the best. He left with one last glance at Andy, before Maya took his arm and gently led him away. Through the window he saw Andy break down in Meredith's arms and it broke his heart a little more.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As with previous chapters, mentions of suicide and depression so read on with caution.

3 HOURS LATER;

Robert headed back towards Andy’s room. Meredith had found him in the canteen and they’d had a long chat. Meredith had told him he needed to give Andy space, that she was in a bad place but forcing her to open up to him wouldn’t be good for either of them. He needed to give her space to breathe and to make decisions for herself. She’s strong Meredith told him but even strong people break at times.

With her words ringing in his ears he was ready to face her and just offer his support, he wouldn’t question her, he would wait for her to talk to him.

He arrived at the room full of hope but as he opened the door the silence struck him. Andy’s bed was empty. The drip which had been attached to her arm was leaking a big patch of wet onto the bed mingling with a blood stain from where it had been yanked from her delicate skin.

And then the silence was broken and pandemonium began. Roberts shouts as to where his wife was. Merediths soothing words as she tried to calm him down and at the same time inform security to set up a search. Andy wasn’t well, she needed hospital care, she must be found.  
And then just when Robert thought things couldn’t get any worse, Maya and Vic came around the corner running towards him with a police officer in tow.

“Wheres Andy?” Maya shouted at him.

“She’s taken off somewhere.” Meredith said calmly, “We have people looking for her right now.”

“We need to find her NOW.” Maya shouted, “Chief, the police came to see us, they had CCTV from inside the fire from the corridors, they thought it might help with the cause of the fire. I took a look just now. Robert it shows Andy. I mean it’s not the best picture because of the smoke.” Maya took a breath before continuing in a quieter voice. “Andy didn’t get trapped Robert. She sat down and took her mask off and waited for the fire to trap her. She didn’t try and get out, she wanted to stay there.”

Robert wasn’t sure what happened next but he suddenly became aware that he was sitting on the floor with his head between his bent knees while Meredith told him to just breathe. And all of a sudden everything came rushing back to him. He gently pushed Meredith from him and got to his feet.

“We need to find her and now.” He announced, dialling Andy’s mobile from his own, groaning in frustration as it went straight to voicemail. 

“Maya placed her hands over his, stilling them, 

“Listen chief… Robert, you just need to calm down, it’s going to be okay, we got this. The police are out looking and so are the whole of station 19, plus we can go now, take a drive round some places that me and Vic can come up with, yeah?”

Robert nodded, looking back at Meredith,

“I’ll phone you the minute we hear anything here okay?”

Robert nodded in response and the 3 took off at speed down the corridor, desperate to get to Andy before Andy got to herself.

Andy meanwhile had somehow managed to get herself to her house. Her real house, the one where she had lived in her childhood and grew up in. The house with all the memories of her Mami and Papi. Memories of Ryan between every single wall. Except it wasn’t her house anymore, nobody had answered the door when she rang the bell but that didn’t matter, she knew how to get in to this house, she had done it many times when she had forgotten her key and sneaked in not wanting to alert her papi to the time she was coming home at night.

And now she was here, standing in her house and everything had calmed within her. She stumbled to the sofa and sank down in to it. She was exhausted. The walk from the hospital had taken it out of her. she’d almost given up at one point and just lay down on the sidewalk where she was and wait for someone to find her. But she hadn’t. She needed to be in her own house so she had stumbled on. Stopping every few minutes to take some deep breaths, her injured arm pulsating so badly she could feel it hurting every part of her body.  
She knew she wasn’t being logical, deep down she knew she shouldn’t be here. She was hurting and grieving and wanting something to make it all stop. She missed Robert. She wanted him to hold her and keep her safe. But that scared her too because when she was with him she couldn’t help but worry that he would leave her too. He would either die like everyone else around her seemed to or he would leave her and find another woman who would take proper care of him. Why was everything such a mess? She lay her head back against the back of the sofa and let the tears consume her, no one could hear her cries here. No one could help.

Robert and Maya jumped back in to the car where vic was waiting behind the wheel.

“Nothing?” She enquired?

Maya shook her head, “No, they havent seen her at all, no one has.”

“She’s hurting, she has to be in pain physically as well as mentally, she wouldn’t go to Joe’s. She wouldn’t go somewhere as public.”

Robert sank back in his seat and sighed. Maya turned round to face him.

“Where do you think then? We’re out of ideas. We have checked all the places we can think of.”

“I don’t know. I just thought she would have gone home. I wanted that to be true. Somewhere she can feel safe. She told me I’m the only place she’s ever felt safe so why has she run from me.”

“Robert, she’s a mess, she’s grieving. She’s not thinking straight, what she did at that fire evidenced that. We’ve all let her down, I knew she was in a bad place but I just left her to it. I thought she’d pull herself out of it in a few days or weeks. Im the worst best friend ever. I have been more concerned about my Captain role than I have about how she actually was. I can’t believe she would give up like that.”

“I don’t think she’s given up,” Vic interrupted. “i just think she’s lost, all she can see around her is sadness and she doesn’t know how to pull herself out of it. I felt a bit of that after I lost Ripley. Everything just seemed a bit pointless. If you think about Andy, first she had Ryan and lost him and now her Dad. The 2 things that have been constant in her life since she was a little girl and now she doesn’t have either.”

“I know where she is,” Robert suddenly spoke from the back seat, “Hughes drive to Andy’s old house.”

“What. No.” Maya said turning in her seat to give him a strange look. “Pruitt sold the house, someone else lives there now.”

“Doesn’t mean that Andy hasn’t gone there, it’s like Hughes just said, she has lost her childhood connection. That house was her connection as well, she grew up there with her dad and with Ryan next door.”

“i think he might be right,” Said Vic starting the engine.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of suicide, depression, grief and harmful thoughts throughout this chapter.

The drive to the house was silent, but Robert could tell Bishop had something to say, she was fidgeting in the front seat and kept taking deep breaths as though getting ready to say something. Eventually she broke the silence;

“Look Chief I know nows not really the time but you’re married? To Andy? As in husband and wife?”

Vic momentarily took her eyes off the road a look of shock on her face, her mouth open.

“What? Married? Who’s married? When? Huh!” Vic’s voice got higher as she spoke.

Robert sighed, “Yes, I’m married. To Andy. Me and Andy got married a couple of weeks back. Her dad walked her down the aisle. This wasn’t how you were supposed to find out. Hell this wasn’t how married life was supposed to start either.”

“Huh?” Vic repeated, still in shock.

Maya threw her a be quiet look before turning to face Robert.

“Chief… Robert. If it’s any consolation, I have never seen Andy in love before. Not like she is with you. I have never seen her so affected by someone as she is by you. That’s how I knew you were together without her even telling me. The way she spoke about you, I could see it in her eyes that you were special. That hasn’t changed because she’s having a shit time. She still feels the same way for you, it’s just been pushed down inside her at the minute. Andy needs to feel in control, she strives on routines and rules, and at the minute she has none of that. Everything is changing and she can’t deal with it. But she will, we will all help her. She thinks she’s on her own at the moment. We just need to show her that’s not true.”

“Thank you Bishop. `You know she hated not having you guys at the wedding. But I told her, when it was all out in the open we would have a big celebration and invite everyone… we didn’t know that before that could happen that Pruitt would… Well do what he did.”

“Doesn’t mean it can’t still happen,” Vic interrupted. “Give Andy something to look forward to, something to aim towards. Everyone loves a good party.”

Robert smiled, “Yeah, I hope you’re right Hughes, I hope you’re right.”

Endless knocking on the door and ringing the bell proved pointless. Nobody answered and silence was their only reply.

“There’s no one home.” Maya said. “We’re just wasting time.”

“We don’t know that, she could be inside.” Robert insisted.

Maya gave him a look that let him know she thought he was crazy.

“I’m going to take a look around the back, there might be an open door or window.”

“Just be careful Chief, the last thing we need is you arrested for breaking and entering.”

Robert saw the open back door immediately and he knew without a doubt that Andy was inside, without hesitation, he literally ran to the door. Inside the house was silent. There were a couple of spots of blood on the floor, marking where Andy had been, she had ripped her drip from her arm when she had left the hospital, not caring about the hole dripping blood she had left behind. Robert went more cautiously now, he didn’t want to startle his wife. He was unsure what he was going to find and he was unsure how he was going to handle it, but he knew one thing, he would never leave her side again just as long as she was okay.

He found her in the back bedroom, he knew immediately this must have been Andy’s room as a child growing up. She was sat on the bed facing the window so she didn’t see Robert enter the room. He slowly edged his way around the room towards the window careful that he didn’t make any sudden movements. When he was almost there she spotted him, she scrambled back on the bed immediately like a deer caught in headlights, trapped trying to escape. Robert held both his hands in front of him and remained completely still.

“Andy, it’s okay, I’m not going to come any closer, I’m here to help you. Just stay still so we can talk.”

Andy stilled in the middle of the bed, pulling her knees to her chest and resting her head on top.

“You had me really worried Andy. I’ve been going out my mind with worry. We all have.”

Andy said nothing but stared at a spot on the wall just to the side of Robert. Undeterred Robert continued, determined to get Andy to talk to him.

“Your arm must be hurting, your burn, it was pretty bad. And how’s your chest feel? Can you breathe okay?”

A text came through, he glanced down,

Maya: What’s going on? Where r u?

Robert quickly replied:

Robert: Found her, give us some time, she’s not good.

He looked back to Andy, she hadn’t moved.

“Is it okay if I come and sit on the bed? I won’t touch you, just all this running around has been hell on my leg.”

She looked at him, eye contact for the first time, progress and then the smallest of nods. Robert carefully walked forward then sat gently on the bed.

“Aah that’s better. It’s nice to sit down. It’s really nice to sit down with you. Ive missed you… I love you.”

“You need to leave.”

Voice hoarse, her chest not back to normal yet and causing her voice to betray how she really felt.

“Why would I leave?”

“Because if you stay you’ll just get hurt.”

“Who by? Who is going to hurt me?”

“Me. Everyone who is too close to me ends up hurt, ends up dead. You need to get away.”

“Andy, sweetheart, that’s not true. You’re just having a run of really bad luck at the moment, but your dad and Ryan dying were not your fault.”

“Ryan died jumping in front of a bullet that would have hit me. My dad died venting a building I was about to die in. What more proof do you need? Everything’s my fault. Save your self before it’s too late.”

Robert shock his head. “Andy, they were both grown men, who made their own decisions. Nobody made them do the things they did. Life is just cruel sometimes. Your dad saved all of us that day, not just you. And Ryan was a cop, his instinct is to save people and yes he would have wanted to save you more than most as you were his best friend, but truthfully he would have took a bullet for almost anyone as he was that type of guy. So you can’t blame yourself.”

Andy said nothing, a single tear rolled down her cheek and Robert gently removed it with his thumb.

“Baby, what happened in the apartment fire? Why did you sit down and take your mask off? Talk to me.”

“I just told you, everyone is better off without me. I just hurt people.”

“You honestly think we’re better off without you?” Roberts voice was getting louder. “You think I’m better off without you? You think about what I would be like now if you had died in that fire? Did you think about how I would feel? What kind of life I’d have left. You were being fucking selfish Andy.”

Andy flinched at the anger in Roberts voice. Robert sighed, regretting his choice of words. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm just shocked and scared about what you did." 

She spoke quietly back to him.

“I can’t do this anymore, I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of wondering what shit is coming next.”

“it doesn’t matter what comes your way Andy, I will be here for you and we will get through it together. You have changed my life. I was closed down, switched off, no emotions before I met you. You have given me my life back. I am so in love with you, it hurts and to watch you in pain makes me feel physically sick. I would do anything to be able to take your pain away and shield you from all the horrors of the world. I know how you feel, Claire died and then Ripley died and then my wife’s best friend has died and now her dad. I get how you are hurting but I don’t get how you can just give up. The Andy I know would fight.”

“There’s no point anymore.”

“So what you’re saying is I’m not worth it? We’re not worth it?”

“You know that’s not what I mean. I love you Robert, you’re all I have but I’m scared to lose you as well.”

“You’re not going to lose me Andy, I’m going to be in your face annoying you for the rest of your life. You’re my person. And I’m yours. No matter what happens in this crazy life we will always have each other. Thats what I signed up for when I married you. For better for worse, in sickness and in health.”

Andy gave Robert a small smile, the first one he had seen for days and it warmed his whole heart.

“I don’t know how to stop feeling like this though Robert, how do I make it better? How do I stop the bad thoughts?”

“We will do it together, I’m going to get you some help.”

“I’m not crazy Robert.”

“I know. I didn’t say you were, you’re grieving and you’re hurting but you will get through this, we will get through this. If you want to try that is?” 

“I do. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to be without you. In the fire… at the apartment, I don’t know what happened and I’m telling the truth. It’s like something just took over me. The flames were right in front of me and all I could see was my Dad and Ryan and my Mami and I don’t know, next thing I was in the hospital. I don’t want to hurt you Robert. I don’t want to live without you either.”

“Good job you havent got to then. Come here.” Robert scooted closer on the bed and held his arms wide and Andy shuffled over burying herself in his strong embrace. “We’ll get through anything as long as we are together.” He muttered in to her hair. “How are you really feeling. Are you in pain?”

“I’m okay, it doesn’t hurt as much as the pain in my head and my heart right now, but honestly. I could use some Tylenol, my arm is burning.”

“How about we get back to the hospital and get you looked after properly.”

“Promise me you won’t leave me? I don’t know if I can do this if I’m on my own, I get crazy thoughts in my head and…”

“Hey, hey, hey, ssshhh.” Robert interrupted. “Stop, it’s okay, I’m not leaving you on your own. I’ll be right by your side through everything okay?”

Andy nodded and Robert squeezed her that bit tighter.

“Everyone is going to hate me, do they all know what happened? I don’t want people knowing. I don’t know what to do. Robert I need help, but I’m so scared.”

Robert kissed the top of her head, “I know you are. Es todo para mi. You will never be alone Andy, I will always be here for you.”

At this Andy broke down in sobs, the events of the past few hours and days eventually catching up with her. Robert said nothing, just held her in his arms and gently rocked her back and forth, back and forth until her sobs subsided. When he felt she was calmer and ready to move he spoke quietly, breaking the silence.

“Bishop and Hughes are outside. Are you going to be okay with them driving us to the hospital or do you want me to send them away?”

“It’s okay,” Andy whispered, “I have you, I can do this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Spanish translated means "You are everything to me"


	7. Chapter 7

With Roberts jacket wrapped around her shoulders, Andy allowed herself to be bundled outside wrapped in Roberts arms. A million thoughts a minute were rushing through her mind and her head was pulsating in pain. Robert had left a note with his number on for the current house owners to explain what had happened, he just hoped they were understanding.

Andy saw Maya and Vic standing next to the car, she saw them share a worried look with each other before moving closer to meet them on the pavement.

"Hey, everything okay?" Maya asked rubbing the side of Andy's arm gently but addressing her words to Robert.

"It will be. Er Bishop is it okay if you drive us back to the hospital please? Andy's not feeling great so it's best if we get back there as soon as possible."

"Of course it is, get in."

Andy kept her eyes on the floor, she couldn't do it, she couldn't make eye contact with her friends. She didn't want them to see her like this. She was like a rag doll as Robert moved her in to the back seat before climbing in next to her, again pulling her close to him so she was resting against his shoulder. She closed her eyes wanting to block the car journey out, not wanting anyone to talk to her, but when did she saw her Dad and Ryan and her Mom again. She couldn't shake it off, she rubbed angrily at her eyes, trying to force the images away until Robert gently took her hand and held it in his own rubbing his thumb gently across it.

"It's okay baby," He whispered so only she could hear, "I've got you. I promise, I'm going to make everything okay."

Andy closed her eyes and allowed her husband to love her the way that he had craved, she felt safer here than she had in a long time, but she knew that this battle was only just beginning.

Arriving at the hospital was a blessing for Maya, the car journey had been in silence, she had seen Andy wrapped in Roberts arms in the back as he whispered in her ear and stroked gently down her face. She had allowed her own eyes to shed a tear for her best friend. She couldn't believe Andy had got to such a stage that she would rather be dead than alive and she hadn't seen it. She'd been so wrapped in her own bubble of being Captain and seeing Carina that she hadn't really given Andy a second thought. She knew she was hurting but she just presumed that she had got Robert so she'd be okay. She was determined to help now but she didn't know what to do. She had never been in this position before and was unsure what to say and what Andy needed. She trailed behind her friend as she was guided through the hospital corridors by her husband.

Robert had never been so grateful to see anyone as he was to see Meredith when she appeared in front of them. He could literally feel the energy draining from his wife the further they walked. She had gotten paler and slower and had not spoken at all. He wanted to help her but he knew that now what she needed more than anything was someone who knew what they were doing. A professional.

Meredith didn't speak but signalled to Robert to take Andy into the room and on to the bed. Andy complied with no sounds. She lay down with Roberts jacket still around her shoulders and curled up in a ball on her side, keeping Roberts hand held tightly in her own good one.

"Okay," Meredith began, "I'm going to need to do a quick examination on Andy so if we could clear the room for a while please."

Maya and Vic knew that was meant for them so shuffled out the room, telling Robert they would be in the canteen. Robert looked from the closed door back to Meredith.

"Does that mean me too?"

"That's up to Andy?"

"Stay… please." She answered, her voice croaky and quiet.

"Okay, so Andy, I'm going to need you to turn over for me." Andy obliged, still holding on to Roberts hand, still not making eye contact with anyone. "So first and foremost, oxygen, back on. And this time it stays on okay. Now what's been going on?"

Andy shook her head holding the mask to her face, taking some deep breaths of the oxygen. It felt so good. She closed her eyes and heard Robert begin to speak.

"Well, I found…"

"No." Meredith cut him off, "You can stay but you have to be quiet, sorry Robert. I need to hear this from Andy."

Andy slowly opened her eyes, staring at the ceiling rather than at Meredith.

"I ran away, Robert found me and brought me back."

"What did you run away from?"

"Everything, my life. I can't take it anymore."

"What happened in the fire today?"

Andy glanced at Robert and he gave her a small smile to encourage her to continue.

"I… I sat down, I could see my Dad and Ryan and my Mom and I wanted to be with them and… and I wanted the pain to stop."

Meredith nodded and reached over for Andy's forearm giving it a small squeeze.

"How do you feel?"

"I feel fucking angry and so sad at the same time and I… I just want to stop hurting so much and I'm scared that everyone I love and care for is going to be taken away from me and I'm going to be all alone… And I'm scared that Robert will die too because everyone I love dies and I want to stop the voices in my head that tell me that all this is true and it's all my fault… I don't know, I'm just so lost…"

Robert leaned over and placed a lingering kiss on to Andy's forehead,

"It's okay baby, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere that you aren't." His voice was a whisper but still loud enough for Andy and Meredith to hear.

"Okay." Meredith announced. "What I'm going to suggest is that you talk to someone Andy. I know you're grieving but grief shows itself in many different ways. I need to know you're okay, I need to be sure you won't try something again like you did today. Do you understand?"

Andy nodded her head, wiping angrily at the tears falling from her eyes.

"i'm not usually like this… this isn't me… I don't let things get on top of me… I…"

"Andy, you are not superhuman, as much as you like to think you are. There is only so much we can take before we break, we all have that breaking point. It doesn't make you weak or useless or any of the things you are thinking of yourself right now. The hardest thing to do is ask for help. And you have done that and that shows how strong you are. That you know that you need help. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I… I've only been married a few weeks and look at me. I'm so sorry Robert, I never meant to let you down."

"Don't you dare Andy." Robert scolded her, "You havent let me down and you never would. You're the bravest person I know."

"You have enough of your own problems with your legs and and the other things, you need me to be there for you, not like this."

"Andy just stop. Take a breath. We need each other, now and always. That's what marriage is, a partnership, where we look out for and look after each other. I'm not going to walk away because things get a bit tough. We will come out stronger together the other side. You will get through this and you will think there's light at the end of the tunnel, even though now it might seem a long way away. We do this, we do everything together. Okay?"

Andy nodded and allowed herself to believe in what Robert was telling her.

Meredith smiled, "You have a good one here Andy. Not many of us find a good one, so you make sure you keep fighting for each other. Right, I'm going to get the nurse to come and give you some painkillers for that arm and to redress it and put your drip back in and while they do that, I'm going to sort out someone for you to talk to okay?"

Andy nodded, her eyes wide with fear as she took deep breaths on the oxygen mask.

"It's okay Andy, it's just talking, but you will feel so much better in the long run. I promise, now get some rest, I'll be back later."

Andy closed her eyes as Meredith left the room. She heard Robert pull up a chair next to the bed and then felt him slowly stroking his thumb across her hand. Her mind was racing with a million thoughts a minute and she was exhausted. All the talking and the emotions and the fire were eventually taking a toll on her and she could feel herself drifting off to sleep. She knew there would be nightmares waiting for her there though. She just hoped that now people knew that the nightmares would stay in her sleep and not in her waking moments. She wanted to feel something other than sadness and guilt for once. She wanted to be okay. She wanted her and Robert to be okay. There was no miracle cure but she was prepared to fight for it, if Andy Herrera was anything she was a fighter.


End file.
